Saber Rattling v. The Nuclear Option

I was talking with a classmate of mine a few weeks ago and he describes his job as one where he works 12 hours a day writing ‘Fuck you’ letters to opposing counsel and receiving ‘Your Mom’ letters from opposing counsel. He says its all saber rattling and they end up working out some minor detail on a complex litigation matter after the third or fourth round of fuck offs.

I am no stranger to picking up a little verbal sparring every now and then. Usually, my opposition are able to see the merit in my position and they change their ways.

Or we come to an amicable resolution.

Or the judge tells me to sit down and shut the fuck up.

Today, however, is a first in my career: I am deploying The Nuclear Option.

The reason for this is that I have this opposing counsel in one of my cases that has been an asshole from the start. I called him after we filed our appearance and I let him know that I would be filing a motion for summary judgment. He promptly threatened me with sanctions. [Top of the morning to you too, sir]. He screams bloody murder whenever we get in front of the judge about how my client is the incarnation of evil. [He’s not even the Diet Coke of Evil]. I called him after the judge implied that he will grant my motion for summary judgment and asked how he wanted to proceed…he promptly told me he didn’t understand the question. And then said, let’s go to trial! Ass. Hole.

This case, has from the start, seemed fishy. It has never made sense at why the Plaintiff filed it. Why the Plaintiff is pursuing it. And why the Plaintiff won’t stop pursuing it. The facts are shaky at best for the Plaintiff’s case and the damages just don’t make sense.

And then it all came together by digging through the archives of the Circuit Court of Cook County late this week. This issue has been litigated and resolved by another court. There is no actionable damage to the Plaintiff. This is case is total B.S. And he knows it because his signature and name is littered through this archived file.

Now the Motion for Summary Judgment gets overhauled. The Motion for Fees, Costs, and Sanctions begins. But first, the ultimate fuck you letter is finished. I’m going to give him enough rope to take the honorable way out hang himself.

I love this job.