Friday, September 26, 2008

Attorney-Client Communication: A Guide to What is Said

Talking to my boss’ clients:

Client: I want to talk to Senior Partner
Translation: I want to bug the shit out of your boss with some unimportant legal detail that I just learned of by watching Judge Judy, Judge Brown, and Judge Dredd.

Me: I’m sorry, he’s in court and I’m handling his client calls right now
Translation: He’s standing in my office right now telling me to deal with this douchebag.

Client: I called yesterday and you said he was in Court.
Translation: I want attention. And I want it now.

Me: Actually, when you and I talked yesterday, he was on a conference call about court.
Translation: Court is my number one go to excuse of why I won’t let you waste my bosses time. But you are a sneaky client and are starting to realize that I am just taking one for the boss, so I must go to my trusty backup option. Your inept brainpower cannot see a way out of either of these two concepts and thus you will be sated in your quest for attention.

Client: Please let him know that I called.
Translation: Go to hell

Me: Of course, I look forward to talking with you soon.
Translation: You first.

Then there are my clients:

Client: Hi Namby, I just wanted to check in to see how the case was going
Me: As I told you the last time we talked [two months ago], these things take time. [TRUE] It’s going well though [FALSE], We are in the process of gathering all the records [TRUE, if by ‘in the process’ you understand that that means ‘on the things to do by the end of the year’ list], and once that is complete we should be in a good position to get things moving quickly [I love the smell of my own bullshit in the morning]

Then there are the calls from former clients:

Electronic Voice: This is a collect call from, from Client, an inmate at the Cook County Jail
Me: [Hangs up]