Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Phone call awesomeness: double the pleasure, double the dumb

Caller: Do you do malpractice work?
Me: Depends on the case, why don’t you tell me what happened
Caller: Back in 1980, I had an accident.
Me: An accident?
Caller: Yeah, I killed this guy...But I was found not guilty by reasonable of mental insanity. The pshrink treating me before my accident should have known I was crazy and it was his malpractice that allowed me to be able to kill.
Me: Unfortunately, the statute of limitations would bar your case. If you or your legal guarding while you were incarcerated…
Caller: Institutionalized
Me:…I’m sorry, institutionalized…but you could have filed suit while you were at the [Don’t Say Loony Bin…Don’t say loony bin] Loo…Hospital
Caller: I was crazy man.
Me: I understand that. But that’s the way things are.
Caller: Well. Thanks anyways. If you ever see a guy on the street named Aaron, give him a few bucks.
Me: Will do!

Not Five Minutes Later

Electronic Voice: This is a collect call from an inmate at County Correctional Facility. Press 0 if you accept the charges and say hello
Me: [To no one in particular] This oughtta be good…Hello?
Former Client: Hey this is Former Client.
Me: How can I help you?
Former Client: I want to proceed with my case with you and my new lawyers. I want everyone to make some money here.
Me: We are no longer your lawyers. You should be talking with your new lawyer.
Former Client: That’s why I’m calling. I can’t do things the way I want to be doing them right now because of my situation.
Me: What’s your situation?
Former Client: I’m in jail right now on a DUI
Me: I see.
Former Client: But the good news is that they already kicked the drug charges.
Me: Well, that’s good?
Former Client: I think everything else is going away because the officer didn’t give me my memoranda rights before he put the cuffs on me. Are you familiar with the memoranda rights?
Me: I know a bit about Miranda rights.
Former Client: I told my PD about the lack of my memoranda rights but I’m not sure that she is going to do anything about it. They have signs in every jail in the state about memoranda rights. I’ve got this one beat.
Me: You need to talk to your PD, not to your civil lawyer about your case.
Former Client: I want to get a furlough from jail so I can do my plastic surgery for my civil case.
Me: You’ve been arrested for DUI most judges aren’t going to let you out so you can work on a personal injury case.
Former Client: I’m looking at 3 years for this one. I’ve got DUI’s on my record that I don’t know how they got there. I had one. Then I think my uncle used my ID and got one. Then there’s another one I got. I also had one where I got it down to a Reckless driving charge…
Me: Client, look, no judge is going to let you out to pursue plastic surgery in your civil case. You said it yourself, you are facing prison, talk to your PD, not to your old attorneys who fired you several months ago.
Former Client: But how am I going to get my plastic surgery?