Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Some say he is robbing the cradle, I say she is robbing the grave

From the laboratory that is my life, I bring you the latest in scientific testing. This experiment is called 'Getting the Rebound' and it can be easily performed if you just follow these five steps:

  1. Take your 28-year-old, recently made single (the term we are using is called disengagement) roommate out to the bars after the Cubs game.
  2. Drink.
  3. When everyone in the party is complaining about how they have to go to work in the morning, change the party locale to an area of the city packed with underage college girls.
  4. Go to the bar that doesn't card these underage girls.
  5. Have him keep drinking
If you follow these steps, he will be guaranteed to be piss drunk, fun to drive with (especially when there is a police car in the lane next to your car), and in the possession of a gorgeous 19-year-old-with-a-tongue-ring's phone number. [Editors Note- For optimum test results, find a girl from rural America who just arrived in the Big Scary City six days prior for her first year of college. CAUTION: she may be sporting only eight braincells]

There are some additional steps that can be added on to evening that are totally optional, but definitely worth it for the entertainment value:
  • Take a picture of him with the 19 year old. Send the photo to him and watch him e-mail it via his Blackberry to all of his co-workers (one problem might be if he attempts to e-mail it to his would be worth it)
  • Drive slowly by his ex's house. Watch and listen to the roommate scream drunken obscenities and gesture lewdly towards her apartment
Side effects of conducting this experiment may include: driving your roommate's hungover ass to work in the morning, an increased desire by the roommate to start shooting amateur porn with 19 year old girls, and erectile dysfunction ['whiskey dick'].