Monday, August 27, 2007

A Open Letter to Mike Vick

The Namby Pamby PR Group
Wicker Park
Chicago, Illinois
August 27th, 2007

Dear Mr. Vick,

Well, you've done it. You took that big step that will redefine your life. I do not mean your guilty plea which will send you to a) federal prison, b) where you will have a cell, c) with one to three roommates, and d) no anal lube. Your quest to redemption began with your press conference and I must applaud you!

You came into the ballroom at a random Richmond hotel after being introduced by the head of your two-million-dollar-a-month legal team and you looked like you had just been introduced to the artificial turf of the Georgia Dome by Brian Urlacher a thundering herd of elephants. And you apologized. Perfection.

You apologized to the kids who idolized you. It brought a tear to my eye.

You apologized to the Commissioner. The $20 bills in my wallet began to weep for you.

And then the most amazing, most poignant moment in your press conference occurred: "...This entire process has led me to find Jesus..."

Mr. Vick you will rebound from this lapse in judgment because of your media prowess. When you emerge from your brief stint in the federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison you will be heralded and embraced by those from Bristol, the Red States, and John Madden. You will return to the good graces of the NFL [perhaps weekly golf outings with Roger Goodell], Nike will rush to renew your 100 million dollar contract, and PETA will make you its honorary chairperson. Mike, if I may call you Mike, in two years no one will remember the fact that you personally were involved in the strangling, shooting, and electrocuting of dogs because you apologized to the kiddies and you found Jesus. Bravo. Bravo.

I was going to offer my services to you in the future, but you don't need them. Good luck in the coming months and make sure that you aren't the small spoon.


The Namby Pamby

P.S. The most astute move of your entire press conference was where you justified your actions by saying that you were immature and 'need to grow up'. But not once did you say you were wrong for what you did. Classic.