I just found this Motion for Fist Fight and thought that was pretty funny.
But then I was shown the best judicial opinion I have ever read. The case is Bradshaw v. Unity Marine Corp, 147 F. Supp. 2d 668 (2001). I strongly encourage everyone to read it. I would nominate Judge Samual Kent of the Southern District of Texas to SCOTUS in a heartbeat after reading this literary gem of an opinion
Here are some scintillating snippets:
- Defendant begins the descent into Alice's Wonderland by submitting a Motion that relies upon only one legal authority.
- That is all well and good--the Court is quite fond of the Erie doctrine; indeed there is talk of little else around both the Canal and this Court's water cooler.
- The Court cannot even begin to comprehend why this case was selected for reference. It is almost as if Plaintiff's counsel chose the opinion by throwing long range darts at the Federal Reporter (remarkably enough hitting a nonexistent volume!). And though the Court often gives great heed to dicta from courts as far flung as those of Manitoba, it finds this case unpersuasive.
- The Court commends Plaintiff for his vastly improved choice of crayon--Brick Red is much easier on the eyes than Goldenrod, and stands out much better amidst the mustard splotched about Plaintiff's briefing. But at the end of the day, even if you put a calico dress on it and call it Florence, a pig is still a pig.
- Despite the waste of perfectly good crayon seen in both parties' briefing (and the inexplicable odor of wet dog emanating from such) the Court believes it has satisfactorily resolved this matter.
- The Court cautions Plaintiff's counsel not to run with a sharpened writing utensil in hand--he could put his eye out.