Client can’t find good legal help anywhere

Me: Have you sent the settlement check yet?
Client: You never told me to.
Me: Yes I did.
Client: No, you never did. I WOULD REMEMBER IT.
Me: I sent you an email on December 10th. At 9am. It was one sentence long. It said "Please send the settlement check to my office immediately"
Client: I never got that email.
Me: Yes. You did.
Client: I think you are mistaken. I know I never ever received it. I would have responded to it.
Me: You did. Your exact words were “I’ll do it.” Would you like me to send you a copy? You’ll notice that my email is copied in your response.
Client: Oh.

The Definition of Client: See Waste of Time

Client: We have to ask for punitive damages!
Me: You aren’t entitled to punitive damages.
Client: You have to put it in the complaint or I’m finding another lawyer.
Me: The court’s going to strike it and we’re going to be back here all over again.
Client: I don’t care.

Thoughts on Written Discovery: Describing the Injury

I hate working on discovery, specifically I hate working on our client's answers to interrogatories in a personal injury case. Namely because the client does not under how to appropriately answer a question like "State your name, address and current occupation". In other words, the client gives me a steaming pile from the dog and I am forced to turn it into gold.

Or at least something resembling English.

One of the standard questions is to describe the injuries that the Plaintiff suffered. It's not rocket science. Or at least I didn't think so until I had one client give me 12 single spaced pages detailing her injuries in excruciating (and irrelevant) detail. None of which could be disclosed to the other side at this point in the litigation process. I can't have defense counsel discover the total sum of crazy that my client possesses. Thus, I had to re-write and re-focus her answer.

Thankfully, I was able to do so without too much effort. I turned her twelve page narrative into:

I suffered injuries to my neck and back. Investigation continues.

Succinct and accurate all the while allowing for a brain aneurism that happens six months from now to be appropriately related back to this simple slip and fall. Everything else can be left to a deposition. Interrogatories won't win you the case, they can, however, cost you dearly.

But the clients never understand that.

After I sent the final draft of the interrogatories to the client to sign (mind you, I had already sent them off to opposing counsel), I ended up spending two weeks dealing with the drama of how I failed to accurately portray the pain and suffering. She threaten to fire my firm (unfortunately, she did not).

These are the things that I deal with on a daily basis. For those of you that haven’t experienced this sort of fun, I want to give you a screen shot of one my client’s answers to this simple question:


In full disclosure, my client is an isosceles triangle...

Differing perspectives: A true story

The Client’s Perspective

I slipped, I fell and I was in so much pain that I had to stay in the hospital. As a result of my fall, I had open heart surgery and there are $300,000 of unpaid medical bills.

My life has been ruined because this accident.

I want a million dollars.

My Perspective

You fell. Maybe.

You had a panic attack. Definitely.

At the hospital, they ran standard tests and found that you had four substantially blocked arteries and rushed you into an emergency quadruple bypass. If it weren’t for your “fall” you would have had a massive heart attack that would have resulted in your death. You are alive today because you had this accident.

You owe the hospital a million dollars.

Passive Aggressive Settlement Disbursements

It’s a rare day when we settle a case and the client ends up happy. They never understand that they aren’t injured as bad as they claim or that there isn’t enough insurance coverage or that the facts of their case equals a defendant’s win. In other words, getting most clients to agree to take the money on the table is like herding cats while on LSD and chained to a fence.

After we accomplish what seems to be impossible, the settlement check never arrives fast enough for the client and as such, they scream at us even more.

Client: What do you mean you can’t give me my money until the settlement check clears?
Me: I’m sorry, that’s what we do.
Client: How about you just give me cash right now?

The check arrives, we cash it and quietly write the client a letter disbursing the money. When I send the letter is entirely up to the client.

If they are a great client, I’ll send the check through UPS Overnight Mail with 8:30a.m. guaranteed delivery.

If they are an asshole, the more likely I am going to sit on their money for a few days while ducking their phone calls.

If they’ve been really bad, I’ll make them come down to my office building to pick it up from the receptionist at a date to be determined next month.

This is the “screaming douche” tax.

The Drop In

“Thomas P. Client is here for your meeting”

But I don’t have a meeting…

There are only two categories of clients that will get me to arise from my desk and trudge looking for an empty conference room: (1) the ones with bank accounts that make your life depend on it and (2) the ones without bank accounts that make your life depend on it. Put another way, it is the clients that have cases that will mean lots of money for the firm or the clients that will attempt to take your law license away while getting you fired from the firm.

Pissing them off is typically not a direction that I choose to take.

I can duck phone calls with the best of them (“He’s out having a vuvuzela surgically implanted into his colon…”). However, when the proximity can measured in feet, not area codes, it gets a lot harder to pull off an effective duck and cover. The receptionist never knows who you are trying to avoid, thus, he/she has already given away the fact that you are present in the office. Game over: Client 1, You 0.

“Tell him, I’ll be up in a second”

The unannounced appearance brings a productive day to a screeching halt. It now is time to stop whatever legal work that is in progress along with multiple IM conversations presently occurring as well as the random internet surfing. I have to go put on my Big-Boy face on and pretend to be a competent professional.

That’s a problem in and of itself. I can bullshit with the best of them for a certain period of time but sooner or later, I run out of intelligent-sounding non-committal phrases.

When a client shows up like this, for me, it usually means that they want to complain about something. “Where’s my money” is a frequent gripe. “What’s taking so long and where’s my money” echoes often. I could go on and on but, there’s only so many ways someone can waste my time kvetching about the coin of the realm.

“As I’ve told you from the beginning, these things take time”

The moment I utter those words, it’s like I’ve just spit in the clients face. And there I sit praying that I can keep the client happy and extricate myself in an orderly fashion. Fifty some-odd minutes later the client has finished. The day can now begin. Again.

This happened twice today.

A look at the attorney-client relationship or Why I should cut the cord to my phone

Bill Cosby had a stand up bit about his kids and how they would do the same outlandish things every night with his gaggle of kids, it was called “Same Thing Happens Every Night.” The end of the Cosby drama always resulted in mass beatings of the kids. By his wife.

I can see the similarities with my clients. Frankly, I would like to hire someone to play the role of "Mrs. Cosby". As there is one client in particular that engages in the same thing every time she calls. To say that it is aggravating is an understatement.

According to those in the know, it may be ruining my life and I think they may be right.

Client: Hello there.

Mind you, she never introduces herself. Never says who it is. Never gives any indication of why she is calling. It’s always the same. Being the idiot that I am, I don’t realize it is her until I get passed the initial two word introduction. So, I answer in typical dodge/evade/re-direct fashion that never conveys I have no idea who is on the other end:

Me: Good to hear from you. What can I do for you?
Client: I just wanted to check on the status on my case.

It’s May. I signed up this client nine months ago. This is a case of clear liability and the defendant has admitted it. They want to settle this matter. However…

Me: It’s been about a week since we last talked, have you gone and had your arm looked at by a doctor yet?
Client: (Pauses)

I know its coming. It’s going to be a four minute recitation of how “woe-is-she” and that the doctors “are-telling-her-bullsh**” and so on and so forth:

Client: Well, I haven’t gotten the arm looked at yet because everytime I go to the hospital they are telling me that I have to wait to get the MRI. And I don’t wanna wait to get an MRI, I deserve to get the MRI now. This has been going on for nine months now and my world has fallen apart, don’t you know that…

Of course I know this sob story. I know that she has verbally assaulted every single medical treater that has tried to help her out. I know that she believes that she is entitled to top of the line medical care without having to pay for it or wait for it. I know that she…well…I’ll let you continue to read:

Client: …they don’t want to help me because I don’t have no insurance. They haven’t done sh** for me and my arm. They don’t want me to get better. They are out to get me. And I’ll never be able to get better. Now, I just want to settle this case immediately so I can move on with my life. Why are you not helping me? I’ve given you my life and my soul, and you haven’t helped me at all. You and the doctors and the insurance company no one wants to help me at all.

Yes, I am the reason she hasn’t done the necessary paperwork, phone calls or waiting to get herself treated. I am the reason her life is ending. And I am the reason she is crippled.

Client: Now just last week I my purse was snatched and my house was broken into and all my papers were stolen. My identity was stolen. My LIFE was stolen. Why aren’t you fixing this? I hired you as my attorney. You are supposed to prevent my life from falling apart like this.
Me: Did you call the police?
Client: Uh…no…

There’s a shocker of no magnitude.

Client: ...But what is going on with my case. Why have we not settled this? This is just crap and I just wanna move on with my life. I have a lot on my plate right now and all I want to do is move on with things and you are holding me up. This whole thing is holding me up...

It’s about this time that I see that her momentum is stalling. This is when I will spring on the offensive. Or, to quote Bill Cosby, "I have had enough of this!!!"

Me: We have been going on these calls for nine months now. I have told you time and time and time again to get an MRI. And you haven’t done it. You haven’t done anything except waste my time, yell at me and yell at anyone who picks up the phone. You will not get any settlement until you get a diagnosis of your injury. You are the only one to blame here. It is your fault for the fact that we haven’t settled this. The insurance company wants to pay you money, but you continually refuse to do what is necessary. It is your fault and no one but yours. Get the diagnosis. Get the treatment. I don’t want to talk to you until you’ve done this. Do you understand me?
Client: (Browbeaten) Yes sir.
Me: Now, get it done. Today.
Client: (Even more browbeaten) Yes sir. I’ll call you as soon as it is done.

No she won’t. This call will repeat itself again in nine days like clockwork.

Money buys lawyer a headache

Me: Did you get the contract?
Client: Yeah, but I didn’t read it yet.
Legalese gives me a headache
Me: Me too!
Client: I pay you for it to not give you a headache.
Me: Just because you pay me, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t give me a headache.

Clients are Bi-freaking-polar

We hadn't heard from a client for about 5 months. Until the phone rang:

Monday—No Settlement Offer

“I want to drop my case. I don’t care anymore”

Tuesday—No Settlement Offer

“I don’t need the money. Please, let’s drop this case and just be done with it.”

Wednesday—Settlement Offer

“That’s an insult and there is no way that I can take that money. We’re going to trial”

Can't wait to see what Thursday brings.

Best thing anyone has ever said (before going into a child support hearing)

I'm hearing this eighth-hand (or quadruple super secret hearsay to the nth degree). But it's funny. Thus, I must share.

Prior to a child support hearing in the presence of a hundred or so fellow litigants, attorneys and court personnel, an aggrieved mother turned to her religion and screamed at her child's father:

"In the name of Jesus, why did I ever fuck you?!?"

Great story. Compelling and rich.

I’m sorry, he’s just not that into you

Yes, Client, it’s Namby. You are talking to me.

I understand you wanted to talk to my partner.

I’m going to give you a great excuse as to why he is not talking to you right now and you are going to believe it. The fact, that I will never tell you, is he called me while you were on hold and told me to take your call because he has to do something much more important.

Like napping.

I understand that you are going through the worst experience that you have ever experienced in your life. I understand that you need hand holding, someone to love you and someone to tell you everything is going to be alright. I understand that it is tough talking to someone twenty years your junior when you feel that you world is ending due to this evil lawsuit that is attacking your precious company.

Yes, you keep talking to me not as your lawyer, but as someone you must think is a paid functionary dutifully taking down your every word so that it will be hand delivered by angels on horseback announced by a ticker tape parade. What I really am doing is continuing work on my fantasy football team while debating the merits of casually responding to your ranting with a softly echoed “I told you that bitch crazy.”

You keep talking and telling me about how this lawsuit is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Twenty minutes have gone by and I have dutifully not written a single word that you have said down. I have dutifully written “Telecons with client re: litigation strategy” and all I am waiting to do is to put down the amount of time that I get to bill.

I’m not your secretary. I’m not my partner’s secretary. I’m an associate attorney that spends a lot of time preventing you from further harm. The fact that you do not get this is not my problem. The fact that you don’t understand how a lawsuit costs tens of thousands of dollars to defend is also not my problem. The fact that you have been told to settle and you won’t is not my problem.

The fact that you are trying to waste my partner’s much more valuable time is my problem.

That’s why you are talking to me and not to my boss.

BREAKING NEWS: Client Knows All!!!

Client: Namby, all I can say is that I am not thrilled with the way you and your partner are handling the case...I’ve been talking with another attorney and he doesn’t understand what you are doing.
Me: And what should we be doing?
Client: Well, to start, I don’t understand why you haven’t issued any discovery and why you don’t have any of the records. I took it upon myself to go to the Circuit Clerk and pull the court file and there was nothing in there but the complaint and a few orders. There was no evidence in the file! The attorney I talked to was stunned. Stunned!!!
Me: Well that sounds like a little bit of an issue.
Client: You are telling me that!?!?!? Come on! What type of attorney are you?!?
Me: The type of attorney that knows that the presiding judge has a standing order where discovery requests don’t get put in a public court file, the type of attorney that subpoenaed and received all of the records over a year ago, and the type of attorney who complied with the court order to finish written discovery eight months ago.
Client: …Oh…
Me: And what type of attorney are you talking to?
Client: My real estate attorney.
Me: Can I get his phone number, I want to ask his advice on how to prepare for your deposition.

I feel loved.

Monday Morning Client Call

Client: Why am I talking to you and not to your Partner?
Me: He’s been out sick. Ebola. I think he’ll be back in today. Maybe.
Client: He let his blood alcohol level drop. That’s why he’s sick.
Me: Excuse me?
Client: You gotta keep your blood alcohol level high. Lowers your risk for disease. Lowers your risk for cavities.
Me: Doctor, you are giving me a reason to drink on the job and you realize that this is best conversation I’ve ever had with a dentist.
Client: Drinking and sex…great cavity preventors. Trust me, I’m a doctor.

Why do I love my job? Because.

Last Week

Me: You have to be at the appointment you scheduled tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.
Client: What do you mean I have to go? I don’t want to go.
Me: You have to go otherwise your case will not settle.
Client: What do you mean?
Me: If you don’t go to the doctor, you don’t get any money.
Client: …uhh…What’s the address?
Me: [Gives the address]
Client: I don’t know where that is.
Me: [Gives directions]
Client: Slow down.
Me: [Repeats three times] Let me give you the phone number as well. This is incredibly important and you have to go.

Today

Client: You remember that doctor’s appointment?
Me: Yes, yes I do.
Client: I didn’t make it.
Me: Oh really?
Client: I didn’t know where I was going. I left, then I got frustrated, then I turned around
Me: I need to put you on hold for a sec [pushes hold, slams phone against head, grabs client file and hits self with it, pushes hold again] Did you reschedule?
Client: Yeah. For tomorrow.
Me: Good.  This is all we need to settle your case.

20 Minutes Later

Client: Hey, Namby, I don’t want to go to this doctor’s appointment, can I just send someone else?
Me: No. You have to go.

15 Minutes After That

Client: I don’t know how to get there.
Me: Do you still have the doctor’s phone number?
Client: No.
Me: Let me give it to you again, and you call him.

Another 5 Minutes After That

Client: Can you drive me?

UPDATE: 3/26/2009

Me: How did the Doctor’s appointment go?
Client: I didn’t go. I’m not going to go.  Never.

I'm interested in your personality

Caller: I am looking for a product liability lawyer.
Me: [Not really paying attention because gChat is so much important] We do a little products liability, tell me about your claim…[back to the gChat]
Caller: I had breast implants…
Me: You’ve got my undivided attention. Tell me everything.

Criminal attorneys have all the fun

Alleged Lady: I am interviewing a skinhead today.
Me: You should bring him an Obama button.
Alleged Lady: I should.