Whereupon I respond to opposing counsel after I've been drinking

Dear Sir (Madam on Thursday),

I received your email several minutes ago. Just prior to receiving your carefully worded pile of linguistic garbage, I was thoroughly enjoying the company of my friends and the comfort of inexpensive libations. And then shots arrived...at that point all bets were off in terms of my professional civility.

As an initial note, I wish to caution you because anything that you say in an email to me after 9pm will be used to in my ongoing attempts to force you to engage in acts of sexual congress with yourself.

In response to the arguments that you specifically address in your voluminous email that I skimmed whilst utilizing the toilet, I only wish to point out that the Court has yet to rule in favor of you (or your client) in any of the substantial motion practice that has occurred thus far.

Additionally, my law clerk wishes to know what personal lubricant you prefer so that my office can supply you with sufficient quantities to make the anticipated coital interactions less abrasive to your anal orifice during the trial process.

I look forward to the upcoming pre-trial conference where I will offer to be the big spoon.

Just so were clear, you're a hack.

Very truly yours,

The Namby Pamby
thenambypamby@gmail.com

P.S. I'm going back to drinking now.