Attempting to Get Nuisance Value: A settlement demand template

Dear Claims Handler:

As you know, I represent Jane Doe in connection with her accident as a result of your company’s tortious acts that occurred on or about January 1, 2010. Ms. Doe has finished her medical treatment and we would like to make an attempt to resolve this matter without wasting much more of our time.

My client is a raving lunatic that thinks every problem that she has ever had in her life is connected to this accident, including her ongoing battle with Lupus. Despite my repeated assertions that this is not the case and my pleading with her to find another attorney, she has insisted that I engage in this futile attempt to try and settle this claim.

I have repeatedly told her that she should not expect any money from you, your company or anyone associated with your insured. She has responded by crying (which I don’t know how to deal with). And saying that the longer you wait to give us money, the more money she will demand (which I do know how to deal with). She has stated that we demand a figure somewhere in the neighborhood of seven figures. After nearly succumbing to laughter-induced hypoxia, I asked her to give me “whatever she was smoking.”

That said, I respectfully request that you settle this matter as quickly as possible. Our initial settlement demand is a bottle of scotch and a player to be named later. Our client is unreasonable, mentally unstable and will not listen to any reasonable counter offers.

I do not look forward to hearing from you soon.

Very truly yours,

Namby Pamby
Sacrificial Attorney at Law