Crafting, writing and drafting a settlement demand

I hate writing settlement demands. Hate it. With a capital “LOATHE”

The way my firm issues these demands is to treat the lawyer or insurance adjustors like they have never seen the case before (which may be true for the higher ups at the insurance company). I feel like I am demeaning the reader of the letter because I have to use small words, overinflate the injuries and deliver an insane request for money at the end.

My initial drafts tend to be chocked full of fire, brimstone and sarcasm. Then I have to rewrite them because the partners don’t like it.

SETTLEMENT DEMAND LETTER

Counsel:

We would like to make an effort to suck money out of your client attempt to settle this matter before both parties spend countless hours and large sums of money preparing and deposing our respective overpaid whores/expert witnesses taking this case to trial.

This is a case of clear liability duh. My client was a lawful pedestrian when your client hit him with her car, got out of her car, menacingly stood over the Plaintiff and laughed at the Plaintiff as he was lying in the street bleeding until he lost consciousness.

Our client was taken by ambulance to Mercy Margaret Mary University Francis Generalissimo Hospital Medical Center in Chicago where he was admitted for suffering from meeting the business end of a car’s bumper in his teeth blunt force trauma, contusions, walking towards the light and lascerations. As you know, he spent three weeks learning to walk again and at the same time, he learned Spanish.

As the writing continues, the outright lies are then inserted:

Our client has instructed us to extend an initial settlement demand of $250,000.

Our client hasn’t instructed us to do anything.

In fact, we haven’t been able to get in touch with the client for the past two months. Besides, our client would have zero idea on how to value a case such as his. And then he would demand, without room to negotiate, one hundred million dollars in unsequential rolls of quarters.

Our client is reasonable and willing to work towards resolution of this matter because we will tell him what he is doing. And he will like getting a tax free check handed to him.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Did I mention I liked writing demand letters?