A preview of the State of the Union

Madam Speaker, Mr. Leader, My Fellow Americans:

I have done fucked things up good.

And now I must be frank: I have no idea how to fix it.

There is new leadership in this august chamber but the bedrock principles remain the same because we have a two party system: the party with bad ideas and the party with no ideas. Our two parties will come together and accomplish two things: jack and squat. The veto will direct our national policy

Over the next year I look forward to seeing Speaker Pelosi and Leader Reid accuse me of treason at every chance they get. Over the next year I look forward to the countless hours I will spend working on various projects that will improve my Crawford Ranch. Over the next year, I look forward to each and every presidential candidate using me as a punching bag to promote their ambitious futures. Being a lame duck has never looked more exciting

In conclusion, I leave with you the words that have inspired so many to do so much: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Scalia you're cool, I'm out.

Good night and God Bless America.