A letter to my new neighbor living above my bedroom

Hi,

You're kinda cute, I guess that is my preference for Asian ladies...or well, any and all ladies. Your boyfriend looks like a douchebag, but hey, to each her own, right? Anyways, I thought I would send a little note to you welcoming you to the building. I'm glad you're here.

On a more personal note, it seems like you are a big fan of morning sex (I know I am). I not so sure the boyfriend, however, is up to the task; but again, to each her own. I bring this up, not to intrude, but more to ask a favor. The previous occupant of your room was more vocal and there wasn't much I could do except put earplugs in. You don't seem to share this trait [or is this because...nevermind]. All I ask is that you just take steps not to wake me up. Please use protection. The sound your bed was making as it grated across the floor during the 3 minutes of fun was like someone was grating their fingers across a chalkboard, not fun when you are a) asleep and b) hungover.

This matter could easily be resolved with a trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond or to Home Depot. I know you'll have enough time. Thanks for taking this small request in mind and again, welcome to the building!

Sincerely,

Namby

P.S. 3 Minutes? In the morning?? That's it??? Come on!!!