Thursday, September 21, 2006

Now that you've shoved your boot up my ass, can I have some hemmorhoid cream?

I pride myself on being damn good when it comes to Trial Classes. And it is in that pride that I work my ass off to be ready to face the judge and opposition in a mock trial setting. But Yesterday. Whoa. The Judge took it to me. I couldn't open my mouth without putting a foot in its place. My opening and direct went God awful. I wanted to avoid being a smarmy lawyer. Bad idea. The judge ripped me a new one. And the new mantra when it comes to adverse facts: "Spin first, worry about truth later"

Fact Scenario: Plaintiff company lost over one million dollars the previous two years. It had a $400k loan due, the bank had denied its efforts to refinance, and shortly after the factory mysteriously burned to the ground.
My Statement: It is true that the company had recently lost money, close to a million dollars, but this downturn was temporary in nature and was not reflective of the business model of the company
What I should have said: The company had a bright future.
Therefore, I decided the only way I couldn't screw up was to be a witness for the remainder of the night. The first question was simple: 'would you please introduce yourself to the jury?' I had the deposition and other fact pattern materials right in front of me. Very simply I decided to read right off my characters deposition testimony.
Me: My name is John Smith, I am the President and sole stockholder of Widget Aluminum Co.
Judge: Stop it right there. What are you doing?!? You lose. The jury now hates you.
What a night.