Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Call your Congressman, Organize the Grassroots: Legislation is needed!

The Federal Holiday Worker Protection Act

Whereas the 4th of July is a national holiday celebrating our collective historical awesomeness in a wide array of endeavors such as selling wine in a box, inventing the “Weber Grill,” and blowing shit up.

Whereas Americans commemorate July 4th by drinking copious amounts of beer, inhaling large quantities of grilled meat products, and find it incredibly wise to use products filled with gunpowder while inebriated beyond comprehension.

Whereas no one should be expected to be productive after a night full of drinking, carousing, and tom-foolery (a collective ‘hullabaloo’) that was engaged in because it was a national holiday.

Therefore be it resolved that:

Section One: It shall be a felony for an employer to force a worker to come in the day after July 4th.

Section Two: If an employer violates the preceding mandate, said employer will be subjected to a possible imprisonment of up to five years in a ‘federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison,’ a fine for $50,000, and/or being forced to watch the WNBA for a week solid.

Section Three: It shall be an affirmative defense for the employer to provide an affidavit from the employee that avers the following: 1) the employee was present voluntarily, 2) said employee was allowed to take a three hour lunch and no less then two three (3) beer coffee-breaks, and 3) the boss does not resemble (in any manner, shape, attitude, smell or form) Bill Lumbergh